by Jordan Zeh
10- You run into Tiger at Mae Video.
9-Some sucky ass band “rocks for dough.”
8-The downtown strippers are suddenly fuckable and prefer coke rather than meth.
7-You have a cocky, almost arrogant attitude about being from Augusta—for an entire week—and for one week only.
6-Charles Howell III asks to borrow your badges.
5-People actually buy Augusta Magazine.
4-Wholelife Ministries forces thousands to litter.
3-You blow all of your practice round ticket money on “blow.”
2-Lots of men are dressesd up like…faggots!
AND THE TOP SIGN YOU KNOW IT’S TOURNAMENT WEEK
VEEJAY PATEL HAS RENTED OUT HIS HOME TO VEEJAY SINGH!
This years list is slightly modified as I started this tradition 4 years ago and modify every year. Number 10 last year was “You ride home from the spot with John Daly,” which no longer applies because The Spot is closed(not because Daly isn’t a drunk)….Number 9 was “Building on a 25 year old tradition, you decided not to go see Hootie and The Blowfish,” but I must confess that I am a little disappointed—-mainly because the replaced them with The Goo Goo Dolls but hey—-AT LEAST IT ISN’T CHEAP TRICK!!!! HAHA Other than that, I replaced “queers” with “faggots” on Number 2 just because “faggots” is a fav word right now. So, there you go. Haha….NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN. SIMPLY COMMENT YOUR OWN TOP TEN SIGN YOU THINK IT’S MASTERS WEEK RIGHT BELOW…..
Gabourey Sidibe, straight out of a hospitalization for consuming 6 metal Oscar awards of the Academy Award winners, is still on fire in Hollywood and has landed a dream role. Gabourey will be casted as Fatz, the lovable gorilla that plays the piano for Showbiz Pizza. Gabourey on her new role “I get to eat pizza the entire movie. I get to eat pizza the entire time we film. They said they are going to feed me pizzas throughout the process. Free pizza. Lot of pizza.” The movie which will feature all of your lovable Showbiz characters including Billy Bob, Mitzi, Dook, and Looney Bird and will hit theaters sometime in 2011.
I cannot watch it any longer. I thought “someone must help.” Please go to your local pet stores and get some Frontline(for fleas and ticks) and drop it off at the studios here at 4051 Jimmy Dyess Pkwy, Augusta, Ga 30909. We will be collecting as much as possible until late March and then I will personally hand deliver all of the Frontline to the downtown strippers. I also encourage everyone to “do their part” and if you feel a stripper is addicted to meth or any other substance, please report it to the local Humane Society. Listen to learn how to do it but keep in mind this lady was aggravated about the large number of stray Valley Rats I have had to report for being not only stray but in my city of North Augusta. Thank you and God Bless—–Jordan Zeh email@example.com Yes, a lot of emails from ratards….all you have to do is hit the “play button” on the player below..plays the audio.
“Snuff” by Slipknot Should Be Called “Turn The Channel” Has Slipknot Been Kidnapped? Help Me Find THEM!!!
“Snuff” should be called “Turn The Channel” because this song sucks shit so much that sucking shit would actually be a better alternative. WTF? Slipnot? I think of Number 2 when I think of this song and not the band member….SHIT..because the song is the same thing Save that bullshit Corey Taylor for Stonesour and then at least it is “understandable” but doesn’t change the fact that the song sucks. That’s why I an convinced that the other 7 members of Slipknot would have never allowed a “sell out” and that the entire band has been kidnapped. We must search and find the missing band because I love Slipknot…but love Slipknot when they “rock.” So, please if you are a fan of Slipknot, please look for Number 1, Number 2, Number 3, Number 5, Number 6, Number 7, and Number 8. Let’s find them!!!!
With the large success both at the box office and with awards, a sequel to Brokeback Mountain titled Brokeback Mountain 3-D: Fistful of Ballhair is set to hit theaters this Summer. The movie has been kept in the closet so to speak as producers and actors for the film have remained quiet throughout production. Brokeback Mountain 3-D: Fistful of Ball Hair will pick up where the first one left off with even more “butt stuff” to delight the homosexual crowd as well as thousands of so called “fag hags” across the country. “I kinda hope this one is way more graphic than the last one. For 10 dollars, I want to actually see the cum slinging towards me” says 28 year old butt pirate Lesly Tucker. Fudgepacker Teddy Slemz says “I want to get Aids from just watching this film. I want it to be packed with 3-D butt stuff.” Brokeback Mountain 3-D: Fistful of Ball Hair has no big time actors in the film but sources inside the film say you can expect a “scene loaded with raunchy butt stuff at Heath Ledger’s gravesite.”
Daylight savings time is March 14th, 2010 and time will be moved forward to give us more daylight. This is great news to millions of us but the news sucks for the unfortunate, ill fated, creepy, eye sores known as the albino. Albinos dread daylight savings time because of obvious reasons. Their affliction and pigment problems make albinos quick to burn so albinos, a lot like vampires(although vampires are not creepy) can get severe damage including DEATH if they are exposed to sunlight for long periods of time. It may further be noted that nothing is creepier than the black albino. These eye sores might be one of God’s ugliest creatures. Comment below or email your thoughts to firstname.lastname@example.org
Evil Genius, Inc Unveils Evil Genius Gear including “Evil Genius” “JFZ” and “I Have Enough Coke For Both Of Us”
You will notice a “Store” page now at jfzliveshere.com that will start carrying Evil Genius Gear that is Evil Genius, JFZ, , Raw, and humorous sayings gear such as the “I Have Enough Coke For Both Of Us” line(Line Is Such A Perfect Word) Jordan introduced the line in a bit in which he said that wearing one shirt or hat with one saying would dramatically improve anyone’s chance to get laid. ” I Have Enough Coke For Both Of Us” Through recent excessive amounts of money flow, Jordan has finally put his “make money off my ideas” plan into action. Introducing the following items available today. Click on the links to go directly to buy or look at them more closely. The “Store” page will soon carry these items as well as many other very soon. Become a “fan” of I Have Enough Coke For Both Of Us at facebook. haha
Gabourey Sidebe wasn’t just “Precious” in the film. She’s precious in real life and so is her enormous vagina. Sidebe’s vagina is now the home of thousands of Haitians and Chile that became homeless because of the major earthquakes. Many with nowhere to turn had no idea where they would take refuge, but then Sidebe stepped up and announced she would be hosting the refugees inside her gigantic vagina. Haitian Giblert Jean-Baptist says “to be quite honest, I am glad the Earthquake hit. Haiti was so shitty compared to all the space inside Gaby’s vagina. I want to start a new nation in this new home! I love it in here. My family loves it too! ” Chilean refugee Adelmo Adelgonda says “my family and I owe Gaby and her vagina. It’s so warm in here. The only scary part thus far was the Quieff Warning we got the other day. Most of us, as you can imagine, directly after the traumatic earthquake were really scared but nothing happened. It was just a warning. ” Some may consider the company “evil,” but Starbucks has already announced the opening of a franchise that is set to open later this month inside the humongous vagina. Sidebe’s vagina is already being considered for a Nobel Peace Prize. Gaby’s Vagina will also be the host of an Oprah Winfrey taping where she plans to interview the refugees living inside of it and it’s even been mentioned for a possible host of The Super Bowl in 2015!
email me email@example.com jfzliveshere.com follow me at twitter.com/JORDANZEH facebook.com/jordanzeh
I don’t really want to treat you like ratards…but….haha….I thought I would go over some stuff that might be of use to you. First of all, let me start off by telling you I am on Facebook, My Space, Twitter, You Tube, and Will Ferrell’s Funny Or Die. All those link to my pages btw. When “My Space” became the first to “blow up,” my cohost at the time(Blake Howie)had to start my My Space for me because I had no interest. If you know me well, you know I am somewhat of a recluse. The most you usually hear from me is through a complete “entertainment” form or fashion. I am horrible with the phone. I am horrible being out in public. I like to entertain because I am great at it. I am aware that I have a lot of “Jordan Zeh haters,” for which I pride myself in striking any type of passion from you. Hate is a stronger passion than love. I am flattered. People love to bitch. Bitch about me. I am completely okay with that. Some of you haters may say “you aren’t great at entertaining,” and let me assure you that you are more than welcome to your opinion but the simple fact is for 15 years…in 4 different cities….I have been able to substain a great salary “entertaining” and created thousands of fans in each of those cities. From that, a fact can be stated. My humor and entertainment works in multiple cities by grabbing mass audiences with high ratings. In each of those “moves,” I have increased my salary substantially….so at the very least, my humor and entertainment works in the Southeast. haha You be asking yourself, what’s the point? Why are you so cocky and pointing this out? Mainly because I want you haters to hate me more and nothing strikes emotion than pure blunt factual truths. Hate me all you want but those are the undisputed facts. I get paid a great salary with great benefits to entertain. If the company wants me to “entertain more” than the 4 hours a day they pay me—they pay me extra. It’s called a “talent fee.” If you are a hater of mine and never collected a “talent fee’ in your entire life—-go fuck yourself and shut the fuck up. hahahahaha Now—back to the “social networks.” After I realized what a great asset they were with “marketing” my brand and my show, I became a big fan. However, I don’t really have a lot of “close friends”(remember the recluse thing) so the majority of friend requests have been made to me thus realizing most of these people are listeners and either fans of my work or haters(why they request me as their friend..who knows..but they do). So, here is what I am going to state about the website and the many links you will see on my Facebook. When I take the time, to write an entertainment article or put up audio on http://www.jfzliveshere.com, you will see a link promoting my work. If you are not interested, then as with a radio button…push it or ignore it…but of the 2100 thousand friend on my facebook, 1900 requested ME. I tend to believe they want to see my work and material as evident by the massive hits the website has received in it’s baby stage of launching. If I didn’t make you haters sick enough telling you about my salary and talent fees, then know that my website with it’s traffic and hits is projected to make me A LOT MORE MONEY. The audio is there for YOU because you demanded it via phone calls to the station to emails. You now have a place to go get Audio you hear on Raw. That’s the purpose of the site. Bits and Audio are going up but it’s a slow process. Over 60 gigs(no shit) of an external hard drive will eventually be going up. If you want to hear something badly, then email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or comment on the online magazine articles(OH YEH…COMMENT DAMNITT!…SAY MEAN SHIT..OR THIS SUCKS OR ANYTHING BUT COMMENT ON ARTICLES.) I will try my best to take care of that request as soon as I possibly can. NOW——this is some little tricks and stuff around the site to find what you may be looking for.
Home Page-This is where everything I write and post from recent on down the line in that date by date order. If I put something brand new up. It’s going to be on this “Front/Home” Page. To the side are great links to businesses that interest and sites that interest me. A calendar is on the right side so if you want to see the articles by date..there you go. The SEARCH BOX is on the right too. Type in i.e “Ethel and Grover complete audio series.” It will pull up what you typed if that particular item is on the site anywhere. Then click on the search result and it will pull up the audio and full article.
Concertz Page-This will soon expand to all concerts around the area but right now has the one click quickest way to purchase your tickets to Augusta, Ga concerts. I plan on adding a “Lokalz” page to the site soon. If you have a band and you want to link on our site…it’s free….but you need to start sending me the logo of band and your bands site you want to link to.
On Demand-This is audio of your favorite bits. It is done from top to bottom with most recent always on top. Slow but sure process. Request your bits again at email@example.com
Footage-This is the daily promo. Current and most recent on down. Old ones will be going up soon as well and will be at the bottom.
X Page-NAUGHTY PICS AND MATERIAL. THIS IS ABOUT TO GROW.
Sportz-This is a work in progress.
Picz-Self explanatory. Submit pics to me as well firstname.lastname@example.org
Pleasuredome-Your favorite songs and bits of The Pleasuredome.
JFZ Page-More to come. Stay tuned.
Contestz-Check this page daily when we are on the air. Cheat Sheet to all contests. No the answers to the questions and the times to win. Unfair maybe but rewarding for daily site visitors. This will start being updated around 2:30 daily right before show. FYI
Linkz—-Our friends and sites worth checking out.
Okay, there you go. Also—subscribe to the site.
Thanks for visiting jfzliveshere.com!